Zambrano offered position as hostage negotiator

Just days after being converted to set-up man, Carlos Zambrano is being scouted as a hostage negotiator for the Department of State. If chosen, Big Z would be called upon to dismantle tense, life-threatening situations with dangerous criminals. Political pundits have criticized this move, pointing out that Zambrano is unstable himself and has yet to prove himself in any pressure situation. To these accusations a State Department representative was quoted, "I think Z's mental issues are incredibly inflated. Would the Cubs move someone who couldn't handle pressure into a bullpen position that would only add more pressure? I mean, the way they make it sound, every time someone gets on base the guy loses it and starts walking and hitting people. No, I think we can completely trust the Cubs' judgement. And, so what if he's a little crazy? We think this can only help get into the mind of our perpetrators."

When asked his opinion on Zambrano's hostage negotiation skills, Cubs Pitching Coach Larry Rothchild said, "Oh yeah, he's great at talking people down. One time John Grabow took Sean Marshall's burrito right out of the microwave. Needless to say, tensions were pretty tight. I really believe John would have eaten it. He had that look in his eye. Z came in, asked him for the burrito, and ate it himself. I don't know if Sean knows about this, so please don't tell him I told you."